By Susanna Barlow
Okay I admit it. I am a fan of HBO’s Big Love. Although I haven’t seen every episode I find it very entertaining for a variety of reasons none if which is to satisfy my curiosity. Okay, that isn’t true. I do want my curiosity satisfied. I was curious to see how polygamy was going to be portrayed on a widely watched network. I was curious to see how the influence of that show would ultimately affect the mainstream opinion about polygamy. But mostly I was curious to see elements of my childhood lifestyle, depicted by famous people on TV. The irony of seeing so many things that were meant to be kept secret openly displayed on an electronic device that was seen as mostly evil, is the object of much pleasure to me. The idea of peculiarity being popularized, that which is hidden exposed, I find to be a kind of therapy.
I don’t really mind that the show is off the mark on a lot of issues. Most of television is off the mark anyway and is used as a kind of amplifier rather than documentation. After all, it is meant to be entertaining and Big Love is certainly that. Besides, if you applied the same scrutiny to other shows I think you’d find much of the same result. The Sopranos for example, do not necessarily portray an exact mafia lifestyle anymore than Lost, depicts the true drama of being stranded on a deserted island.
I don’t find Big Love offensive in any way. In fact, I am grateful it is on the air and doing well. It gives society a reference point in which discussions about the issue of polygamy can be addressed. It is time for polygamy to come out of the closet and it is programs like Big Love and the stir of controversy that it creates, which will bring it out into the light. On that note, I would like to add my voice to this subject.
Polygamy is not about sex. I know, that is really hard to understand and most of you reading this will not believe it, so let me elucidate. Polygamy is about marriage. Most would agree that marriage is not about sex. Sex is a part of marriage, it is a vital part of marriage and it is a vital part of polygamy in the sense that it promotes the perpetuation of the family and that is a powerful motivating factor in a belief system where the family is the holiest of social structures. Polygamy is not the only way a man can have multiple relationships at the same time and certainly not the easiest way. So to say that it is all about how much sex a man can get is just narrow thinking and doesn’t say much about the one making the statement.
There is also another factor that must be considered. The vast majority of polygamists are practicing polygamy because of a religious mandate they call “The Law.” Everyone is not running helter skelter scooping up women for their sexual beds. And unlike Bill Hendrickson, the husband in Big Love, being able to sexually satisfy all your wives is not a great concern. Sex was not designed for intimacy and satisfaction but was designed solely for procreation. Intercourse is not permitted during pregnancy and with procreation being a high priority; you can imagine that there are a lot of women who are pregnant a lot of the time. The religious term for polygamy is “celestial marriage” and is viewed as a higher form of living, marriage according to the gods, if you will, while sex is considered lower or beastly. To make a TV program that depicts polygamy through a sexual lens is repugnant and offensive to most practicing polygamists and runs counter to their beliefs.
On the other hand, there is a broad range of characters who are practicing polygamists, some of them pretty shady. There are many who do not live chastely within the principle, and sex is often used as a power tool for gaining favor or manipulating others. Some men seek many wives for sexual perversion, tainting the holiness of “the law” for those whose aim is much higher. Some men have wandered from the organizations of polygamy and have gone their own way as independents, embracing polygamy and little else. There is no established and consistent foundation of beliefs. And many men have father/daughter roles with their wives which add to the dysfunction. Most of these men were born under polygamy and know nothing else but a single spectrum of marriage. A man who believes in polygamy is always practicing polygamy even if he has only one wife. Therefore to compare men who have only known polygamy to men of monogamy is ineffectual, misleading and unfair. Apples to oranges.
What of the women you say? Well, there are many women that are fierce proponents and advocates of polygamy and it is usually the women who support it publicly as well. And there are some advantages as one woman I know stated, “I have the best of two worlds, the freedom and independence of a single woman and the security and companionship of a married woman.” This is by far the minority and only those who practice polygamy with a liberal viewpoint know this as personal experience. The other minority are the women who feel totally abused and want to get out. Most are doing only what they know and believe, their happiness being of no consequence. To assume that all polygamous wives are secretly longing for life in the outside world and a monogamous marriage is as likely as all Christians secretly longing for Hinduism. Yes, it is that stark.
Big Love offers a glimpse into the potential thrills and hazards of life in polygamy but it is in no way a definitive description of the lifestyle. The religious depiction is laughable but there is an emotional integrity that makes the show compelling. There are probably a few families who identify with Bill Hendrickson and crew but most would not. So is Big Love fact or fiction? It’s a little of both, as all great entertainment ought to be.
Susanna Barlow is the 23rd child of 46 children, the quintessential middle child. Her fundamentalist religious upbringing shaped her life, her values, and her views on literally everything. Though no longer affiliated with polygamous groups on a religious level, she is surrounded by family & friends who practice polygamy. For more information, visit: http://www.susannabarlow.com
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